Ever wish things had been different? Sometimes I do, I wish that one boyfriend I had back when I was 18 could have dumped me a week earlier. That way I could have made out with a guy at a party who after 13 years of going to school and being in the same classes, with a clear conscience. While I have always been bi I haven't always been poly. That is something that happened when I started Uni in 2004, but I have always been forgiving when boyfriends cheated on me, in fact some strange part of me wanted to know about who they were and what my boyfriend had done with them. It turned me on knowing the details, was this the bi part of me? I doubt it. My poly side was emerging, but I would never cheat on a guy, no matter how much I wanted the other guy more, I was a serial monogamist I would go from one guy to the next all because I could never two time.
Looking back I feel bad as I regret breaking some of those relationships off, I wish I had known what poly was, I would have been so much happier. While I have some regrets, there has been none of them since I met John, I guess that's because I don't let chances slip by, I take them. But also John helps me take them which is important, this year alone I am doing many things I never thought I would do, like write. This Blog is something I wanted to do but never had the courage for until this year. I first started writing using my husband's LiveJournal but now feel good enough about my self to write on my own terms as me.
Most of my regrets come from high school, the start of my second year 7th has one of my biggest. One night in particular Saturday the 15th of February, a friend of mine was having a party and I had been invited. My whole life I was the good girl, going out meant skating at the rink with friends, maybe holding hands with a boy while I did it. This was different this was a real party, booze, boys and music, something new for me.
I have never been the popular girl at school, I was always bullied mainly for my size. I was the girl who went through puberty first in my year group at school, the rest were 12 months behind me. So to go to this party was a big thing, besides everything else going on in my life this was something that meant life was going up. At that moment in time, I had a boyfriend and I was wanted. Anyway my regret comes from something that happened at the party, its funny how when we are drunk or slightly intoxicated our inhibitions or social walls come down. Sometimes doing something we would or should never have done or doing something we wish we had done years ago but lacked the guts to do it. Well that was one of those nights.
That night I stood up to people I never thought I would have but on the same note I had a guy tell me that he loved me and he loved my body. That moment has stayed with me, I wish I didn't have a boyfriend at that moment or I would have kissed him or something, instead I said thank you but I have a boyfriend. I just had a confession of love from a guy I had known since I was 5 tell me that he loved me (this was a guy who used to tease me about the size of my breasts, he called me Twin Peaks. But of all the teasing, his never up set me, he never made me cry, he never over stepped the line). All I could think of was shit I have a boyfriend, an out of town guy who wants me? I was confused. Then I was thinking, don't be silly, don't screw up what you've got for a drunk guy who most likely won't remember this conversation. So I did nothing.
5 years on I wish I had done something, I got dumped 4 days later by the out of town boyfriend and I wasn't crushed just annoyed that it was 5 days too late. But what I regret was not picking up the phone and calling him, asking him if he meant what he said. All because I was scared he would back down, take it back or not even remember. So I did nothing until a few weeks ago, when I signed up to FaceBook and there he was. I felt I could ask him about it now, as I am now married and if it was merely a drunk moment I could run to John for safety. He remembered, just about all that happened that night except for one bit. The I love you part but I wont hold that against him, I am not that mean. We all have drunk moments that only the people around us will remember.
I told him that I am in an open marriage in case he was interested, he is, but one catch, he now lives across the ditch in Aussie. So the what ifs continue.
At this stage in my life I would change things in my past but not in my current, I would only change things so as not to affect the current status quo and if that meant changing nothing then so be it. As what I have now I wouldn't trade or change for the world. I love my husband and our life together very much. But I will always wonder what if......... the world was different.
But there will always be regrets and what ifs. I guess its a part of life.
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