the shoe

A simple question can be so cutting when Answered. When did you stop loving me?

I asked John this, his reply was years ago, funny thing is we have only just been Married for three years. So was our intire marriage a lie, all the I love you's Asking me to have a family with you. If what you say is true, why lead me on, why set me up for a bigger fall. I am accused of lying, you by your own words have been lying to me and our families for a long time.

Tears through time

Last week my world changed, my husband asked for a trial/temporary separation. At the time I thought it the end of the world but now after coming to stay with my Parents I am seeing it as a chance to get back on top of things. The reason I see my husband asking for the separation is that he could no longer cope with me and my craziness and I needed help which he could no longer give me. It was draining him and putting a strain on our relationship.

Over the last few days I have been thinking about everything and trying to get back on my feet, as I think I write it down in a note book so that I may reflect on it later and not fall back into the negative thought patterns and behaviors that have been enabling my depression, anxiety, paranoia and causing me to have panic attacks and make myself sick and stressed.

From my note book 30th June - 1st July

I hear my flatmates voice in my head - " No more monkeys jumping on the bed", and I think about where I am at these last few days and I think about where I want to my life to go. Since leaving home and returning to my parents, I have come to realise that Auckland is now where I feel I belong. Wither that is with my husband I do not know but I do know that what ever happens it is not the end of the world, tomorrow is another day.

During the weekend my mum meet another woman that had been impacted by the man that attacked me and she lives in fear of him. Just as I have been and that is not living it is hiding and I want to live life not just survive.

I have been thinking about where I want my life to go, what I want to do, my life can't revolve around John and I can't be the center of my world either. I can be a little bit selfish by saying what I want.
Other than getting back with John which is just a small part in the bigger picture what I really want is to get my independence back. To be able to go anywhere by any means - bus, train, car or walk.
I want to become a Primary School Teacher, which means going back to University and also getting my restricted licence.
I wish to go to my Flatmates 21st in Auckland , be it on the arm of my husband or not.

I think about how blind I have been to my deteriation and I want to cry in sadness at the waste of my life. I seem to be a shell or a shadow of my former self. Slowly pushing people away, isolating myself from the world which hasn't been fair on John or my friends which I have hurt on the way.

The only peron that can't make my life worth living is me, the only person who can make it miserable is me. As if the situation is one that is making me happy I have the power to change it.
If life isn't worth it, change it, tomorrow is another day. There are always solutions, you just have to look for them.

While I cried when John asked me for the trial/temporary seperation. I realise now that we both need me to go away from thing for a bit. Returning to my parents where I can relearn to be me.
An independant, strong, funny, creative, caring and intelligent woman.

I am still finding it hard to explain things but there is still time I have only been here a few days and I have much more time to go. I will be here at my parents till October so lots of goals to work though so that I can get better one step at a time.

I have been looking at some of the community education classes and I am looking at going to a few with my younger sister. they run from July - September so well within the time frame I would like to work with.

My mum is giving me driving lessons which is helping me in two ways, 1. To get mey licence. 2. To get me happy in a car again.

Small spaces get to me, cars, trains, buses, planes even public loo's. Hell even the loo back home, can't go in it without the door open, and I need to talk to the cat.

These behaviours are not condusive to my living a good and normal life. Nore is needing a support person at all times I go anywhere. I am 25 in a matter of weeks and I have made myself a prisoner and my husband in the position of Jailer or what may feel like it.
We are adults and are equal in our marriage, not prisioner and wardern. What have I done to our relationship.

I hope he will take me back but not where we left off as that was tears and begging. If I was to be welcomed back I would like to court him and reget to know him thus strengthening our relationship. Relearn to treat him right.
If I don't get welcomed or invited back then I will just turn to plan B, everything plan A is but a relationship with John.

Plan A/ Goals
* Be able to move/travel about alone without panic attacks. - Go for walks everyday
* Get my restricted.
* Lose wieght. - Walk and swim ( gym when I return home)
* Get up before 9am , 8 am, and hopefully eventually 7am ( 6.50am counts)
* Get to bed Sunday - Thurday between 10pm - 11pm
* Get daily chores done - dishes, laundry, cleaning, study/craft
* Move back to Auckland - Either flatting or living with John
*Get back with John
* Get a Job
* Go to teachers collage and become a primary school teacher

I would like the total package but if that isn't an option then life goes on.

He was a wonderful man who deserves better than what he was getting.

I must also face the reality that I might not ever have children but as long as I have chilren in my life I will be happy, or at least I think I will be.

I have decided to write in here and in my note book to keep track of my mind and to see if I am moving forward.

At this time, I want to get better and start to live life not hide from it. I would like to achieve some of my goals and wishes. But while some are imperative other are not the end of the world.
In some ways I feel like I am going around in circles, but over all its not. Its a loop in the road, relfections from different angles helping me to see the truth which I have been blind to.
I have been allowing my PTSD and my depression control my life, I have been hiding behind them and letting the fear of the unknown rule my life.

When I first went to Auckland I went for adventure and the unknown, I turned away from the safe choice of Palmy or Welly where mum and dad are just a car drive away. Where when dad is driving you could beat a plane there.
To a University where I knew vertially nobody, I had a fresh start, and I thrived.
Now I take safe choices, Same resturants, same order, while some routine is good, being that predicable is not living, its like being a puppet.

I guess I have been a living doll, something to take out of the cupboard ( house) at certain times.

I also need to learn when to be quiet and keep my thoughts to myself, staying with my parents is certainly doing that. Some times its just TMI. If it embaraesses me then what would it do to the more privet and sensitive John.

I am afraid of slipping into some old habbits while I am here but I believe that if I do they will be easy to shake - volume control.

I am spending less time using the computer to hide from the world "cope"and channeling my energies into more productive channels, my crochet, cleaning up my parents house and looking at courses and hoping to do them.

Cleaning the mess away feels like I am sheading more of my pain and anxiety. Plus the areas that are still messy help me desensitse to clutter and mess.

I want to live life not hide from it. I want to share my life with my friends, family and most of all the love of my life John.

I realise my past actions don't say that, but I hope my future ones will as I work towards moving back to Auckland.

I know John still loves me and while he does there is hope for me for us to try and things out.

I have lost much through my craziness and I am not going to lose my life, I am going to change, so that I can be happier and going where I want to be.

I am not the prisoner, he is a man I helped send to jail. I am a free woman who has the whole world at her feet, its just what path to take. I want to walk the path not being carried or lead, if anyone is on the path with me the I wish it as companionship not as a minder/babysitter, to walk as equals.


What do you want from life?

Where do you want to spend your life?

what do you want to do with your life?

If a persons life spand potential is 100 years, I have just hit the quarter mark and I have achieved one thing I thought I would have done by now, moved out of home and have met/married the man of my dreams.

But I want more I am sick of hiding with the cat, I want to go out with friends.
I want to be independant and not have to worry about inconveninceing some one when I want to do something.

Our marriage is important but its not the center of the universe.

I have other non kinky friends, who I have left drift, I want to get them back, who knows where they will drift to next or who will drift away next.

While we are married we still have friends outside and they are not all joint, we don't have to do everything or the same things all the time. Time apart is normal and healthy and most of all needed.

It is with these thoughts and ramblings that I hope to see and map my coming back to realiety, hopefully in time for my flatmates 21st - 2nd Oct.

A date to make, will I be sane enough to go?
Will I have made enough progress to stay at my home with John and our flatmate.

So many ifs and buts, wishes and will I's.
All I can do is take one day at a time, one step by one step.

Having a flatmate at home looking after John, I worry about him less. I hope me being here has had had the same effect.

1st July

The beattles may say all you need is love, well they forgot to mention a sound mind.
For the past 2 years at least I have been living a life of what if's, but what if's aren't living, they are a fantasy ( or nightmare), you can plan for as many senarios as you want but they can't all happen and something I have learnt living with John, NOTHING GOES TO PLAN.

I am afraind of losing him but it is not the end of the world.
Yesterday I went for a walk with my sister it was nice getting out.

I must face the face I might never have children but that doesn't stop me from living. I am not broken if I can't have children, I can still help and give shildren a better life in other ways - as teacher.

I have been using computers to hide and avoid life, to avoid living as a happy human being instead of learning to cope. I have been finding new ways to hide from the world, to closet myself away from the world, my friends and those I love.

When I get depressed I spend more, I get a small buzz from spending a tempory lift from the depression.

For University it is not the dyslexia that gets me its the Anxiety, Panic, Depression and they cause stress and sickness . Making me stay at home.
I may have dyslexia but I learned to get around it, deal with it as I was growing up.


There are just my thoughts from my note book as I write them down. These are unedited.

Friday Poem,

First a bit about this poem, I wrote this some time ago when I was going through a dark place in my life. This week is the anniversary of what caused that dark time. When I was young I was attacked by one of my friends boyfriends. It still haunts me today, but I am a survivor, I lived where she did not. He went on to later killer her, he is now spending 10 years behind bars for her murder and 16 years for the rapes and assaults on 5 young woman and one little girl.

I wrote this poem when I was no longer able to cope with what had happened, my way of copping was to try and forget what had happened and try to move on, it worked for a bit then failed me.

The Misty Day

The misty dreary day
Washes all hopes and dreams away.
The candle that once burned bright
Has now faded out of sight.
The Darkness has come,
Taking away the day
Leaving only sorrow and pain
To fill the fill the void that once
was filled with hopes and dreams.
And love it seems.

Squeeze me, please me HNT

There is one part of my body that I absolutely love and that is my breasts. I love the way my nipples look so here is one being held and teased just for you by a mystery person ( not me).

Friday Poem, Prince charming

Prince Charming

Prince Charming comes calling
In the night, bringing pleasure.
He charms with his acent,
Fall to his arms.
His nimble fingers, forget all time
His kisses swift, stolen and mine.
His touch is gentle and sweet.
He kisses me till I sleep,
Nurses me while I weep,
So my demon don't creep,
Upon me in the night.
He is mine for now,
Till the bell tolls, eternal hour.

Written by me in 2005

Little Housewife HNT

So this is my first HNT, I thought I would do on that reflected who I am. I am a little Housewife complete with aprons to keep myself clean while I do the chores.

This little number is my oldest one, it still serves me well,

even if it is a bit small, makes frying while nude interesting.

Have you been a bad boy?

Want to play 1950's Dress up?

Well I can, and I am even playing peek a boo.

And to end it all a view from the rear.

Totally spankable.

Well that is my little show, So long for now,

back to the house work.

Photos taken by Trance

Walking Wet

Ever walked down a street and wondered if your little secret would be found out? That someone would see what you are hidding?  The other day was my day like that, I walked to the shops with a nice little wet patch in my shorts.

Now this wet patch had taken all day to get there,  I had started the morning out by trying for the first time a toy that Trance had given to me. Eureka it actually worked in getting me off, normally only with the help of someone else am I able to wank to climax. But this time I got there with the help of my new little toy. So with the day starting off well, I moved on to housework, nothing exciting there, but after work comes rest.
Hehehehe, I have earned some time on the computer, so while sorting out my bookmarks I start to read Literotica and find myself getting turned on. Making myself wetter in hope of relief, ah but alas John is due home and he has no coke left. So I must wait till he returns so that I can wonder up to the shops to get it for him. When he gets home he makes a request for coke and denies my request of a change in pants. So I am made to walk to the shops wondering if anyone can see the wet spot, and strangely getting turned on more by the idea of having a naughty little secret that I can get caught out with.